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Well, this is pretty short, and effective.

In just about five paragraphs, you have managed to write about the dread and regret the person is feeling at the moment, and how he wishes he it with Marjorie instead of being there, and how it all ends rather abruptly and tragically.

Of course, part of this story's appeal is that you left some details out, like how did he get there? What is this creature that's chasing him around? What is this place he got stuck in, and why is he there in the first place?

And by cutting it short, you've made it really effective, with the feeling of terror giving away to a slight sliver of hope, before it gets cut short in a rather gruesome manner.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.


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